The Doctor is IN

Keen Observations on Life … Whether You Need Them or Not

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Sometimes, growing up sucks

The best thing about having kids while you’re young is that you get to grow up with them. Our son was born two weeks after I turned 25 and ever since, we’ve referred to ourselves as ‘the Sickles Three.’ We’re family, but more importantly we’re friends. A unit. And while we’ve been working toward preparing our son for college and adulthood and life, now that we’re there, it sure is difficult to bear.

Progress is important. Change is inevitable. And sometimes growing up sucks.

I’ve been struggling this week with Peyton heading to college. He is exactly where he is supposed to be, doing exactly what he is supposed to be doing, and I am thankful and elated and supportive … but I am so sad. While his college is only an hour away, and I know he’ll be back, dropping him off at college this morning signals a huge shift in life. Things will never be the same again, and the future is unknown … and sort of scary. There’s childhood. Then marriage. Then kids. Now … something else new.

For the past 18 years, we’ve had our little peanut at arm’s length, there to hug and talk to and just look at, anytime we wanted. So much has changed for us this summer. We lived in our house in Apex for 19 years — my Sweet Pea came home to that house — but we moved on June 1 to a beautiful house on two acres half an hour away. We’ve got a grown up house now. And we’ve got a grown up son who isn’t in grade school anymore. And by default that means that I, too, am a grown up.

And that kind of sucks. So while I usher in a thrilling new chapter in our son’s life, I must also turn the page and begin a new one. I think I’ve been so focused on mentally and emotionally preparing myself for Peyton’s college departure that I forgot it what day-to-day changes it will bring: I’ll wake up on Monday morning at a reasonable hour — not the 5:45 am I’ve done for the past six years. I’ll fix breakfast and lunch for myself. I’ll miss cross-country meets in the fall, and track season in the spring. I’ll miss harassing the shit out of him to finish his homework before midnight. I’ll miss watching his dog trot up the stairs after him for bed.

Sigh …

So here’s to all the college-bound kids and their exciting new adventures … and here’s to all the parents establishing a new normal. And here’s to growing up. May you face it with a smile on your face, your loved ones close to your heart, and adventure in your spirit.

With me in San Diego, 2016; at the beach, flying with dad in 1999; running in the NYC Summer Streets long run in 2016.

With me in San Diego, 2016; at the beach, flying with dad in 1999; running in the NYC Summer Streets long run in 2016.

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A serious note to my (and all) college-bound freshman

Hooray! You did it … you graduated from high school! After a dozen long, studious years you’re in for the next phase of life, where you’ll be living away from home, setting your own hours and fighting your own battles. Don’t get me wrong, you’re not living in a remote silo, but for the most part your decisions (and their consequences) are your own for the first time. Dad and I are so proud of you.

We’ve always been open about, well … everything. You’ve grown up in an activist, non-profit household where you volunteered for Drag Bingo, built homes, stuffed envelopes for annual fund drives for HIV funding. You’ve listened when I took every opportunity to work in discussions on safe and responsible sex, alcohol and drugs. You’ve actively participated in conversations about responsibility, accountability and self-esteem. But it’s been easy because you’ve been here with us, and have to come home to face us at night after dates with your girlfriend and adventuring with your friends. At college, you report to no one but yourself. You are a legal adult now, so any trouble you might get into counts differently. You can go to jail. You can get kicked out of college. You can damage your permanent chance of future employment. You can change the trajectory of all future relationships. Fortunately, you know I’m not all gloom and doom … and that I’m going to use any opportunity I can find to create a teachable moment. Well, here it is.

Just_Wear_ItTake sex seriously. Remember what Gran always told me about kissing: you’re kissing the person before them, and the person before them. Sex is the same way … you’re coming into contact with the person before, and the person before, and the person before … Imagine how embarrassing it’ll be to tell your wife or your partner you had gonorrhea or chlamydia or genital warts. How about HIV disease, Hepatitis C or herpes – those never go away. Sex is not dirty or scary or bad. It is a crucial, really fun and healthy element in adult relationships. Just be smart, be safe. And ALWAYS USE A CONDOM. Guys — you aren’t the only ones responsible for supplying condoms; girls — make sure you have them available, too. Do not trust a partner to tell you they’re clean, or taking birth control pills. Use a condom and keep YOUR body safe, which in turn will keep your partner’s body safe. Have respect for yourself and your partner. And for crying out loud, do not brag about intimacy. Have dignity. Oh — one last thing: just because you have gonads instead of ovaries does not mean you have to take abuse from mean girls. You have feelings, too.

When you go to parties:

  • drink water or a soft drink out of one of the red cups – you’ll look like everybody else (and your hands will have something to do) but still be in control;
  • do not accept drinks from strangers – bad, violent and violating things happen to guys, too;
  • do NOT ever get in the car with someone who has had anything (much less a lot) to drink – call a cab, call Uber, call me, or drive their car (as long as you have had zero to drink);
  • do NOT invite strangers up to your room – don’t put yourself in the position of having to confirm consent or risk your own safety or health. It’s easy to confuse friendly gestures for romantic ones – you’re cute and gallant and like catnip, and often ignore how girls react to you. Draw a substantial, obvious line; make it clear you’re strictly friendly classmates. A one-night stand is not worth it. No means no. Drunk NEVER means yes.
  • do know what kind of safety information girls are Googling — they just want to be safe, too (PS. you have strong protective urges, but it does not mean you are the only guy who can swoop in and save the day … walk away from physical altercations and call 911)
  • do NOT stick around if drugs come into play. Just leave.
  • do NOT fight the police if they show up. There are always attorneys and advocates. Go peacefully. Lie on the ground if they tell you to. Keep your hands visible. Follow directions. Most importantly: LIVE.

If you are going to try drugs:

Stay healthy and keep on running:

Develop a successful routine:

If something happens, find an adult. Call the police. Call us — it is NEVER too late to ring me up. Do not let your university silence you. We have insurance. We will forgive you. Just live to see another day.

And PS, we’re not paying for a fraternity.


So long, house!

acornIn 1997, my soul mate and I kicked off an adventure in a little town called Apex, in a beautiful little house on Acorn Hill Lane. Nineteen years, one son, three dogs and three cats later, we’re moving on to a new adventure half an hour down the road in a new little town. When we moved into this house, I was four months pregnant; I had breakfast one morning with my husband, went to work, and came home to a different house in a different town. Today, our son woke up and had breakfast with us, went to school, and will come home to a different house in a different town. I’ve passed the torch. I’m going to miss our house, where the most exciting (the birth of our son) and the saddest (the death of my father-in-law) events have occurred.

Screen Shot 2016-05-18 at 5.07.40 PMBut we are nothing if not adventurers, we Sickles Three, and anticipate that our new house on two acres in the meadow will bring with it more of the good stuff, and likely more of the sad stuff … eventually. Either way, we face our new adventure head-on, where being together makes any house a home.

So, so long house … and thanks for all the fish!


Inspiring words

My grantwriting class met again last night, and I got the nicest note from a student.

I so appreciate your class. I have been inspired to write on a personal level more since last nights class … I am taking back my love for writing.

Though I still struggle with writing anything long-form — my current approach is now more of a slow-and-steady-wins-the-race kind of thing — I find my mind whirling with creative ideas this afternoon. So when you have a good experience at work or at school, or in line at the grocery store, make sure you share the positive feedback. You never know who may need a little pep in their step.

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Most Exciting Voting Day Ever

Normally, this writer avoids anything mathematical like the plague. Seriously, when was the last time I needed the binomial theorem to calculate a restaurant tip? But the Fates have a funny way of intervening, and saw fit to deliver my son on Pi Day. Yesterday was his 18th birthday, which means that today he got to vote in the North Carolina Primaries.

voting dayHe was so excited to vote … clearly, growing up in an activist household hasn’t scarred him. The officials in our district announced “First-time voter!” and the whole place broke into applause. That’s how it’s done.

Go Democracy!

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World AIDS Day 2015

red_ribbonThe time to act is now.

Did you know that HIV disease is a communicable disease spread through semen, vaginal fluids, blood, and breast milk? It’s spread through shared needles during intravenous drug use. It’s spread through sexual contact when one partner isn’t aware of their positive status. It does not discriminate based on gender, race, culture, age, economic status … it affects everyone.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, “an estimated 36.9 million people are living with HIV/AIDS worldwide … Around 1.2 million people are living with HIV in the United States, and 1 in 8 don’t know it.” There were 1,566 new HIV diagnoses in North Carolina in 2013, and there were 541 deaths due to HIV disease in 2012.

HIV disease is preventable, and it’s treatable – but it’s not curable. Yet. If you have HIV disease, you need to know how to not spread it; if you don’t have HIV disease, you need to know how to NOT get it. If you have young people in your family, love and respect them enough to get past the discomfort of discussing sex, disease prevention and responsibility, and provide straight talk. It’s unrealistic to assume your children are waiting because it’s what Jesus would do, or through the sheer force of YOUR will. Kids are smart nowadays; educate them as to why they should wait until they’re more mature to handle the emotional side of being sexually active, and how to be as safe as possible. Teach them to protect and respect themselves, and in turn to protect and respect their partner. The smart choices need to be present in the quick, stolen moments when intimacy will occur, and your conversations are only a memory.

So know your status; knowledge is power. And wear a condom. Every time. Until the cure …

Learn more about HIV disease

HIV Test Locations

 “Grant that we may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.”

– St. Francis

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It’s time to sign up for Intro to Grantwriting

Interested in funding a project for your non-profit organization, or a need in your community? It’s not too late to sign up for my Introduction to Grantwriting course at Wake Technical Community College. This seven-week course is part of the Continuing Education program, and is offered at Athens Drive on Tuesday evenings, 6:30 – 9:30, from October 27 – December 15 (skipping Thanksgiving week).

grantwriting fall15

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Adventuring in Vancouver

While my sweetie was conferencing, I tagged along to get in a little adventuring. I found Vancouver to be a rather functional working city, with pretty spots peeking through on occasion. The Stanley Park area was our favorite, particularly watching the rowing club in Coal Harbour. I walked about 45 miles over four days, took the city bus, the Sea bus and the water taxi. All around, a fun week.