Did you ever see Starship Troopers … you know, the great sci-fi futuristic military movie where humans do battle with giant bugs? Well they’ve got this giant “Brain Bug” that sucks the brains out of captive soldiers to glean knowledge straight from the source, so to speak. And I think it’s in my garden.
What’s worse, if it’s not a futuristic Brain Bug, then that means it’s a deer bold enough to walk up to the front of our house and take a bite out of ripe tomatoes while we’re sleeping. And one with the impeccable timing of an assassin–after all, why eat the bitter green tomatoes when you can wait a couple of days for them to turn red and sweet and ripe. That totally gives me the willies, knowing something’s that close to the house without us even suspecting it. Sometimes nature sucks.
Normally the dog goes bananas if anyone comes up on the porch, and the cat growls a terrifying sound low in her throat, vibrating her little three-pound body with pure menace. But these stealth deer (or maybe raccoons or squirrels) always manage to make a clean break. Maybe it’s Sasquatch?
Little bastards. The squirrels wait for my pots of pink Impatiens to overflow with abundant blooms easily visible from great distances in the neighborhood, and that are most likely the envy of all who pass by (as a Southerner I can exaggerate as much as I want) … then they sweep in at night and chow down like it’s a salad bar buffet.
Probably we’d get rabies or mad cow disease, or something equally appalling like zombie-osis, if we tried to salvage the otherwise perfect backside of the tomato. I’m not willing to chance it. But, then again, there’s always the mister …