Great advice from the keynote

This morning I had the pleasure of going to the Durham Technical Community College 2016 Scholarship Breakfast. Sometimes it’s nice to be the only Sickles in town … I had a lovely breakfast, and got to sit with this year’s scholarship recipient and her mom.

All of the speakers were interesting, but Vinnay Khanna, the keynote speaker, was particularly extraordinary. He spoke of meeting the Dalai Lama as a child, and kicked off his conversation with thoughts on not letting others dissuade you from setting (or pursuing) lofty goals. He shared three substantive pieces of advice, and I want to pass them on. These work for short- and long-term goals.

1. Have lofty goals.
2. Work hard. Even if you’re the most gifted person in the world, why would you not work hard? “Set your goals so high that you have to fail. Don’t set them so low that you succeed.”
3. Don’t worry about others. Don’t let other people discourage you from aiming high. Where you have been is not as important as where you are heading now.

So … what lofty goals do YOU have planned for today?

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Sometimes, growing up sucks

The best thing about having kids while you’re young is that you get to grow up with them. Our son was born two weeks after I turned 25 and ever since, we’ve referred to ourselves as ‘the Sickles Three.’ We’re family, but more importantly we’re friends. A unit. And while we’ve been working toward preparing our son for college and adulthood and life, now that we’re there, it sure is difficult to bear.

Progress is important. Change is inevitable. And sometimes growing up sucks.

I’ve been struggling this week with Peyton heading to college. He is exactly where he is supposed to be, doing exactly what he is supposed to be doing, and I am thankful and elated and supportive … but I am so sad. While his college is only an hour away, and I know he’ll be back, dropping him off at college this morning signals a huge shift in life. Things will never be the same again, and the future is unknown … and sort of scary. There’s childhood. Then marriage. Then kids. Now … something else new.

For the past 18 years, we’ve had our little peanut at arm’s length, there to hug and talk to and just look at, anytime we wanted. So much has changed for us this summer. We lived in our house in Apex for 19 years — my Sweet Pea came home to that house — but we moved on June 1 to a beautiful house on two acres half an hour away. We’ve got a grown up house now. And we’ve got a grown up son who isn’t in grade school anymore. And by default that means that I, too, am a grown up.

And that kind of sucks. So while I usher in a thrilling new chapter in our son’s life, I must also turn the page and begin a new one. I think I’ve been so focused on mentally and emotionally preparing myself for Peyton’s college departure that I forgot it what day-to-day changes it will bring: I’ll wake up on Monday morning at a reasonable hour — not the 5:45 am I’ve done for the past six years. I’ll fix breakfast and lunch for myself. I’ll miss cross-country meets in the fall, and track season in the spring. I’ll miss harassing the shit out of him to finish his homework before midnight. I’ll miss watching his dog trot up the stairs after him for bed.

Sigh …

So here’s to all the college-bound kids and their exciting new adventures … and here’s to all the parents establishing a new normal. And here’s to growing up. May you face it with a smile on your face, your loved ones close to your heart, and adventure in your spirit.

With me in San Diego, 2016; at the beach, flying with dad in 1999; running in the NYC Summer Streets long run in 2016.

A serious note to my (and all) college-bound freshman

Hooray! You did it … you graduated from high school! After a dozen long, studious years you’re in for the next phase of life, where you’ll be living away from home, setting your own hours and fighting your own battles. Don’t get me wrong, you’re not living in a remote silo, but for the most part your decisions (and their consequences) are your own for the first time. Dad and I are so proud of you.

We’ve always been open about, well … everything. You’ve grown up in an activist, non-profit household where you volunteered for Drag Bingo, built homes, stuffed envelopes for annual fund drives for HIV funding. You’ve listened when I took every opportunity to work in discussions on safe and responsible sex, alcohol and drugs. You’ve actively participated in conversations about responsibility, accountability and self-esteem. But it’s been easy because you’ve been here with us, and have to come home to face us at night after dates with your girlfriend and adventuring with your friends. At college, you report to no one but yourself. You are a legal adult now, so any trouble you might get into counts differently. You can go to jail. You can get kicked out of college. You can damage your permanent chance of future employment. You can change the trajectory of all future relationships. Fortunately, you know I’m not all gloom and doom … and that I’m going to use any opportunity I can find to create a teachable moment. Well, here it is.

Take sex seriously. Remember what Gran always told me about kissing: you’re kissing the person before them, and the person before them. Sex is the same way … you’re coming into contact with the person before, and the person before, and the person before … Imagine how embarrassing it’ll be to tell your wife or your partner you had gonorrhea or chlamydia or genital warts. How about HIV disease, Hepatitis C or herpes – those never go away. Sex is not dirty or scary or bad. It is a crucial, really fun and healthy element in adult relationships. Just be smart, be safe. And ALWAYS USE A CONDOM. Guys — you aren’t the only ones responsible for supplying condoms; girls — make sure you have them available, too. Do not trust a partner to tell you they’re clean, or taking birth control pills. Use a condom and keep YOUR body safe, which in turn will keep your partner’s body safe. Have respect for yourself and your partner. And for crying out loud, do not brag about intimacy. Have dignity. Oh — one last thing: just because you have gonads instead of ovaries does not mean you have to take abuse from mean girls. You have feelings, too.

• Know your status — AND your partner’s — Get Tested (HIV, STDs)
• How to put on a condom – Planned Parenthood
• Types of Birth Control
• HIV Infection, Syphilis and Gonorrhea infection rates in North Carolina
• Psychology Today: Going to College? Here’s Practical Sex Advice
• PBS: More college campuses swap ‘No means no’ for ‘Yes means yes’
• The Consent Debate: College Students, Experts, Activists Discuss Sexual Consent on Campus Amid Backdrop of Alcohol and Hook-up Culture
• How to Buy Condoms
• Everything You Need to Know About Condoms (But Were Afraid to Ask)

When you go to parties:

• drink water or a soft drink out of one of the red cups – you’ll look like everybody else (and your hands will have something to do) but still be in control;
• do not accept drinks from strangers – bad, violent and violating things happen to guys, too;
• do NOT ever get in the car with someone who has had anything (much less a lot) to drink – call a cab, call Uber, call me, or drive their car (as long as you have had zero to drink);
• do NOT invite strangers up to your room – don’t put yourself in the position of having to confirm consent or risk your own safety or health. It’s easy to confuse friendly gestures for romantic ones – you’re cute and gallant and like catnip, and often ignore how girls react to you. Draw a substantial, obvious line; make it clear you’re strictly friendly classmates. A one-night stand is not worth it. No means no. Drunk NEVER means yes.
• do know what kind of safety information girls are Googling — they just want to be safe, too (PS. you have strong protective urges, but it does not mean you are the only guy who can swoop in and save the day … walk away from physical altercations and call 911)
• do NOT stick around if drugs come into play. Just leave.
• do NOT fight the police if they show up. There are always attorneys and advocates. Go peacefully. Lie on the ground if they tell you to. Keep your hands visible. Follow directions. Most importantly: LIVE.

If you are going to try drugs:

• do NOT use anything with a needle that punctures your skin (Hepatitis C, HIV);
• do NOT take anything that is synthetic or manufactured in a lab;
• do NOT snort anything up your nose;
• do NOT take anybody else’s prescriptions;
• do NOT take any psychoactive drugs or hallucinogens;
• do NOT trade sex for drugs.
• Here is more information on commonly abused drugs and their effects. Not that I’m condoning it, but you’re not going to OD on weed.

Stay healthy and keep on running:

• CDC: Six Tips for College Health and Safety
• 101 Health and Wellness Tips for College Students
• 30 Great Ways to Avoid the Freshman 15 and Stay in Shape

Develop a successful routine:

• 10 Habits of Highly Effective Students
• Time Scheduling Strategies for College Students
• The Art of Manliness: Morning and Evening Routines

If something happens, find an adult. Call the police. Call us — it is NEVER too late to ring me up. Do not let your university silence you. We have insurance. We will forgive you. Just live to see another day.

And PS, we’re not paying for a fraternity.

What a day!

We celebrated our one and only’s high school graduation today. What a day … and what a guy!

 

So long, house!

In 1997, my soul mate and I kicked off an adventure in a little town called Apex, in a beautiful little house on Acorn Hill Lane. Nineteen years, one son, three dogs and three cats later, we’re moving on to a new adventure half an hour down the road in a new little town. When we moved into this house, I was four months pregnant; I had breakfast one morning with my husband, went to work, and came home to a different house in a different town. Today, our son woke up and had breakfast with us, went to school, and will come home to a different house in a different town. I’ve passed the torch. I’m going to miss our house, where the most exciting (the birth of our son) and the saddest (the death of my father-in-law) events have occurred.

But we are nothing if not adventurers, we Sickles Three, and anticipate that our new house on two acres in the meadow will bring with it more of the good stuff, and likely more of the sad stuff … eventually. Either way, we face our new adventure head-on, where being together makes any house a home.

So, so long house … and thanks for all the fish!

Inspiring words

My grantwriting class met again last night, and I got the nicest note from a student.

I so appreciate your class. I have been inspired to write on a personal level more since last nights class … I am taking back my love for writing.

Though I still struggle with writing anything long-form — my current approach is now more of a slow-and-steady-wins-the-race kind of thing — I find my mind whirling with creative ideas this afternoon. So when you have a good experience at work or at school, or in line at the grocery store, make sure you share the positive feedback. You never know who may need a little pep in their step.

Most Exciting Voting Day Ever

Normally, this writer avoids anything mathematical like the plague. Seriously, when was the last time I needed the binomial theorem to calculate a restaurant tip? But the Fates have a funny way of intervening, and saw fit to deliver my son on Pi Day. Yesterday was his 18th birthday, which means that today he got to vote in the North Carolina Primaries.

He was so excited to vote … clearly, growing up in an activist household hasn’t scarred him. The officials in our district announced “First-time voter!” and the whole place broke into applause. That’s how it’s done.

Go Democracy!

World AIDS Day 2015

The time to act is now.

Did you know that HIV disease is a communicable disease spread through semen, vaginal fluids, blood, and breast milk? It’s spread through shared needles during intravenous drug use. It’s spread through sexual contact when one partner isn’t aware of their positive status. It does not discriminate based on gender, race, culture, age, economic status … it affects everyone.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, “an estimated 36.9 million people are living with HIV/AIDS worldwide … Around 1.2 million people are living with HIV in the United States, and 1 in 8 don’t know it.” There were 1,566 new HIV diagnoses in North Carolina in 2013, and there were 541 deaths due to HIV disease in 2012.

HIV disease is preventable, and it’s treatable – but it’s not curable. Yet. If you have HIV disease, you need to know how to not spread it; if you don’t have HIV disease, you need to know how to NOT get it. If you have young people in your family, love and respect them enough to get past the discomfort of discussing sex, disease prevention and responsibility, and provide straight talk. It’s unrealistic to assume your children are waiting because it’s what Jesus would do, or through the sheer force of YOUR will. Kids are smart nowadays; educate them as to why they should wait until they’re more mature to handle the emotional side of being sexually active, and how to be as safe as possible. Teach them to protect and respect themselves, and in turn to protect and respect their partner. The smart choices need to be present in the quick, stolen moments when intimacy will occur, and your conversations are only a memory.

So know your status; knowledge is power. And wear a condom. Every time. Until the cure …

Learn more about HIV disease

• How Can I Prevent HIV Transmission?
• What is HIV?
• The Body – The Complete HIV/AIDS Resource
• AIDSVU – North Carolina
• World Health Organization
• CDC – World AIDS Day 2015
• National HIV/AIDS Strategy for the United States

HIV Test Locations

• gov
• CDC
• STD & HIV Screening Recommendations

 “Grant that we may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.”

– St. Francis

It’s time to sign up for Intro to Grantwriting

Interested in funding a project for your non-profit organization, or a need in your community? It’s not too late to sign up for my Introduction to Grantwriting course at Wake Technical Community College. This seven-week course is part of the Continuing Education program, and is offered at Athens Drive on Tuesday evenings, 6:30 – 9:30, from October 27 – December 15 (skipping Thanksgiving week).

Adventuring in Vancouver

While my sweetie was conferencing, I tagged along to get in a little adventuring. I found Vancouver to be a rather functional working city, with pretty spots peeking through on occasion. The Stanley Park area was our favorite, particularly watching the rowing club in Coal Harbour. I walked about 45 miles over four days, took the city bus, the Sea bus and the water taxi. All around, a fun week.

Orca! We didn’t go IN the Vancouver Aquarium because it’s so freaking expensive, and they didn’t have a prorated cost for arriving 45 minutes before closing for the day. But the parking lot statuary was lovely.

Looking back toward downtown Vancouver from the seawall at Stanley Park.

The BEST lattes at Breka cafe, made all the tastier with a long view of downtown.

The view from our balcony.

Here’s a view across Vancouver Harbour, from Granville Island.

Me and my sweetie at Stanley Park, pausing along the seawall for a pic.

More totem poles!

Look at my Adventure Hat! It’s been to four countries on two continents, from deep canyons to high mountains, and in the Atlantic and Mediterranean.

I thought this was a statue of a mermaid. Turns out it’s a girl in a scuba suit. (Mermaid would’ve been better.)

The marina off of Granville Island was lovely.

Long, tiring flights home remind us that regardless of how fun adventuring can be, there’s really no place like home.

Enjoying the waters of Coal Harbour.

Found a great local distillery. Again, enjoying my libations with a view.

Walking bridge. Yikes.

Cairns along the shore at English Bay Beach.

This “beach” was pretty and rocky, though this NC native and beach girl would never swim in that cold water.

Totem poles!

Totem poles!